Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Random thoughts of April 1st

I want to say random thoughts, heck that's always a good way to phrase I've
been thinking about alot and not wanting to face the facts. In some ways
this is good yet, experience teaches me the exact opposite. Knowing this
last night I made up my mind to get out of the library once the coffee
perked. A Guinis, a flirt, a thought or two, I think I just plain slept on
my feet while Croswhite croned in the back ground (Steele isn't a croner nor
in the back ground, a talented performer he chose not fame but the Christ).
I had to get up to think, to pray.
Several steel eyes sat at the bar only the bar tenders speaking to them.
Several drivers and package handlers hung in the fore ground of my thoughts,
their words almost haunting, both reveal life unfullfilled. At times like
this I see a mirror of my life. I see unfullfillment of my own life. Sure
I don't know their journeys nor their whole story of the moment. Behind
Steele, a stephen ashbrook poster hung, another high school friend, where am
I now I thought.
'I can get into other people's faces' I said to one of the pastors on
Wednesday, 'but I can't get into my own. Some times I wish the mirror would
scream at me.' TV is escapism for me. I'll get lost on-line for hours after
work as most are heading to their jobs. My comon defintion for 'crazzy' is
someone asking the same question while expecting different results. The
other definition is one who talks alot without showing proof of effort or
support of those words. The mirror screams again. I meet both of those
Several weaks ago I hurt my back at work. I got ugly in the face of the
supervisor filling out the paper work. UPS is a union shop so some (job)
protection is in place already. I'm in this super's face already pushing
for improvements to be made in my (former) work area. I am on the 'safety
committee.' Five months later still nothing is happening, what's baloney is
he once was the super in this area. Doesn't he care? Now, after some
healing time I've been transfered to another area. I am no longer loading
UPS delievery trucks. I'm routing which means I'm placing packages into
cages that go past the vehicles. I'll express the negative of this and
follow up with the positive. In short I could be called 'one of Tyler's
(who tyler is is not of consequence now) bitches'. Because I know how to do
most of the center's labor intensive tasks he can put me anywhere he needs
help at - say when someone calls in sick. The positive is I am a 'floater'
I can work anywhere thus giving me a variety, breaking up the monotomy of
SSDD which others phrase as daily FUBAR. One may say the influx of the
package flow through out the shift is baloney. I laugh, once upon a time
I'd cuse the 'belts' for not keeping up now I'm on the receving end. As I
floated at the end of the shift yesterday I asked one of my fellow former
un-loaders, now a pre-load super, if sup'in is worth it. His reply went a
long the lines of 'if you don't want to touch another package again it's
great.' The implications do have neg's and positives. My observed is union
due'rs aren't really going anywhere while supers, many whom are students,
have a goal or two in mind and are working towards it.
This brings me back to screaming mirrors. What do my goals look like? Uh,
what are my goals? How is what I'm doing today helping me achieve them or am
I driving with sticky brakes? Are sticky brakes a problem, a cause, a sign
of something deeper, or a symptom? In a lot of ways when my brakes smoked
coming down I-80 two weeks ago I had to check them out which revealed a
major problem developing which I can solve now with an in-expensive repair.
How now, when an where do I go? My church calls this revealation and change
of direction towards Christ 'flipping.' I don't want to flip, I just want to
go straight, get back on the path I started eons ago, and get there. My map
(goals) is crumpled in my ruck<sack> (life). I think I can get there and
add a little definition to what I think my destination should look like.
What should my first step look like?

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