Monday, March 05, 2007


I always feel like a coffee shop philosopher every time I pull out my pda to write in a coffee shop. My trusty mug of black and my danish along side - gulp - visor prism. This morning I am lazy. Just to not give a damn worthy to make my own coffee, heck, I even drove to the starbarfs around the corner.
What draws me into this state? What drew me into the state of passing out crying last night? Or the state of walking out of work yesterday? Death. Death. The loss of a close friend on Friday. The loss of innocence of others. The loss of dealing with emotions past. I've not looked at literally thousands of pictures both on my pc and in my head of the friend I lost yesterday, of the friend I lost in August, of those I lost six years ago.
I don't want your sympathy, I just don't want to hear it. I want you to sit by me. I want you to be quiet near by. Listen to my breathing. Listen to the quiver in my voice. Listen to the tears in my story. Cry, cry, cry, cry not for me, not for the family, not for them, cry for yourself, cry for your family, cry for your friends. Christ said 'weep not for me' as he was burdened with his execution minutes away from his own death.
Religion and philosophy don't help. Faith and hope don't put a stop to the void. Friends move away and others return. That is easy. The death though is complete separation. The end of the relationship is final. There are no more pictures. There are no more stories. No more smiles, hard times, big heart felt thanks, no more slap on the backs, jokes, nothing nothing else to look forward to. It's a complete END.
There are others who were closer to my friend. There are others who have known him longer, etc.
How many though know the intimacy of death? How many know love unearthly riped away? How many know how to 'keep it together' when it is all falling a part? How many know what falling a part is like when others say it's time to be together? It's a personal struggle. It's a family struggle. It's a community struggle. It's all messed up and yet every piece is exactly where it needs to be.
The wound need not heal. The perspective needs to change. If the answer sought not meets the question asked; change the question until the question gets the answer sought. If the treatment doesn't work, try another treatment. Re-examine the problem. Keep moving yet stop. Stop and yet keep moving.
What then do I want to take away? Definitely not coffee shop philosophy. Definitely not an empty cup of coffee. Honestly, what I want to take away is what I do to the next level. I want to step it up. Live life more by drawing closer into my friends. Live life more by giving closer to others. There is that next level I can go for with the things I already do.
Loss sucks no mater what. What I can do is glean from my friend's life those qualities I see as important to him and make them my own. What I can do is to challenge myself to take up those qualities I saw in him that I admire. What I can do is to step up to the next level those things we enjoyed together. That is that is the quiver in my voice I want to share. That is...

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