I'm sitting in the batcave (my friend's Dave office*) in San Diego/National City CA, not yet in Mexico. Reviewing images of past builds as recient as November 2006, I get the sense of the need of adequit housing for the poor. My hands yern for the warmth of a 32oz hammer while my eye scans each image I review in preperation for my journey this weekend. Part of today is to pull together a slide show for this weekend's event the other part of today is to connect with YWAM Baja . I'll be on the work sites (all four) to take pictures of the 'builds' happening this weekend. As soon as we leave the sites the rush to pull together the rest of the slide show will happen with close-ups, action, need, emotional, and dedication shots within the hour. I'm closing in on the 5000th photo looked at for content and application materials. I know now what is needed for me to capture.
I met an old friend last night at his new house for an hour. My visit wasn't so much of catching up on old times, we did that on the phone two weeks ago and in the office yesterday. My visit was more of what it will take to get me down here full time. My heart still beats for missions. My hands want to wrap around the work that needs to be done. I want do more. More though is not what is needed. I know from the past when work is to be done, work gets done. When the heart is behind then work is not work, it is done in love and this shows the Christ behind the work.
I ponder and pray, am I ready to commit to the known of the unknown again about volunteer work? I've written the list of things that are holding me back. The list includes junk from having 30 cases of books to my love of Utah's Back Country. The scariest on the lists is leaving family and fund raising again. Again? Yes, this is how I lived before as a missionary, I raised my own support. I honestly don't want to follow the jitters of coffee running through my veins. I want to be forward not only to myself but to others, where I see myself going and how can I get there from here.
Unguided over the last few years I've set myself on three things: get out of debt, get my Master's Degree, and get back into 'Missions.' Beyond writing these three things down the specifics aren't written down. They are expressed through long hours at work and pushing to get monthly incentives. Talk and the look towards attending SLTS again when I can afford it. Missions though, I don't talk much if any about it with others. I keep this to myself. I love my memories of travel and the seas. I miss the community feeling of getting to know others. Why do I count Dave and Lara as great friends? It's because of the times in the field, on the ship, and BD (before Dave). I met and worked with Lara in '94 until '95. Missions though means different things to different people. It no longer means packing your gear into a 6ft crate bound for India one way. Nor does it means getting speared by head hunters in the jungles. It means reaching out to those around with the Gospel of Christ. There are many ways we do this. For me I want to show something about the world that others are missing. I miss busting it out all day then going out to some one bench church to do a drama portraying the life of Christ.
Where is my calling? What is my desire? How am I going to walk it out? How is what I am doing at home going to forward this? Can I intergrate what I've learned to push beyond myself? Is my comfort zone way to restrictive? I've got questions. I've got ideas. I've got stability where I am at. What's next? What's the shake up?